More Self Compassion Practice

Posted on November 22, 2013 by Cynthia M Clingan

In a previous post I wrote about the practice of attending to one’s own physical cues as a starting place for cultivating a self-compassionate stance. This is often where we need to start if trying to tune in to and attend to our emotional life is too overwhelming.

If you tried the recommended exercise to notice and respond efficiently to cues for hunger, thirst, rest, and going to the bathroom, you might have noticed this is not a problem at all, or you might notice that you always delay all of your needs, or perhaps something in between those two extremes. Whatever you notice is good information about your relationship with yourself!

You might also have noticed internal resistance or certain thoughts that occur when you try to take care of those needs. Paying attention to the message in the resistance feeling, or noticing the thoughts can lead the way to a more self-compassionate life because once you are aware of the resistance to taking care of the body, you have an opportunity then to question it. How do you do that? Well, here are some suggestions for what you might get curious about:

  • What objections does the mind have to me taking care of the body?
  • In what way does it make sense to not take care of the body?
  • What would happen if I just surrendered to the need to take care of the body?

Often what people discover is that they have an irrational resistance to taking care of themselves, and unconsciously run themselves ragged. Examined closely, what could we come up with that could be more important than first attending to our basic needs? The truth is, caring for ourselves is not optional, because it’s just not sustainable. If we don’t care for ourselves in really basic ways, we break down: we feel upset more easily, more anxious, more tired, less resilient. I heard a wonderful expression recently for being too hungry: “hangry”. Doesn’t that just say it all? The basic care we provide for ourselves creates the physical, mental and emotional foundation for everything we do and want to do in the world.

Sometimes people will also discover outright violence toward the self, which then might require some support to sort through. Sometimes this is a result of trauma, or misinterpretation of biblical text, or some other experience which created over-harshness toward the self. Sometimes this self-violence is referred to as “the critic”, and can be debilitating if allowed to run amok without being challenged. This protective mechanism works overtime and keeps us stuck in a no-win vortex of self-hate and pressure to achieve.

If you feel you’ve mastered caring for the body and you’re ready to move to the next step, then try to imagine what it might look like if you moved to the next step of caring for your emotions the same way, and for the same reason – because the cue is there. Or, you can try the process listed below. It takes some practice, but once you get the hang of it, it can be nothing short of life-changing:

  1. First notice what’s happening. Give it a short label if you can: sadness, rejection, disappointment, anger, fear…
  2. Shift away from thoughts about the feeling and into the physical sensation of it, using the feeling of your feet on the floor or of the chair beneath you to stay grounded. Do this for as long as you need to.
  3. Remember that others have felt this pain, and someone, somewhere is also feeling exactly what you feel right this moment. See if you can feel that connection with unknown others who know your pain. Do this for as long as you need to.
  4. When you feel ready, ask yourself, “what is the compassionate response to the situation?”. Maybe you need to stop and take care of physical needs that were delayed, or maybe you need to soothe yourself in a healthy way (cup of tea, play with the dog, go for a short walk, read inspirational material, sing a song, find something that makes you laugh).

    English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

    English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m not going to ruin the surprise, but something magical happens when you do this. You’ll have to try it to find out :). If you need support to help make sense of what you’re finding when you do these exercises, please contact me.

Take good care!

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Do You List?

Posted on November 1, 2013 by Cynthia M Clingan

Over time, I’ve experimented with a lot of different options and systems for organizing and managing my time. What I realize in retrospect is that I spent a lot of time on it which I could have used for other things. Even more importantly, I now see how such systems can be used for violence against ourselves.

Oh, it all starts out so innocently, as a wish to use our time more wisely. And it ends with beating ourselves over the head with the unfinished items on the list at the end of the day. And promises to catch up tomorrow. Add items to the list and repeat the next day. And the next day. And the next…ad infinitum.

I tend to use my calendar, planner and listmaking as prioritization and memory devices now, rather than as attempts to cram everything I ever wanted to do into one day. And still, the list can turn into violence. It’s quite magnetic to imagine perfection and then frame it as reality. But the cost to our well-being is great. The items still not crossed off at the end of the day prompt thoughts like: Why wasn’t I more efficient, disciplined, moving faster? I should have (insert self-judgement nonsense here). If only (insert inevitable, unavoidable event here) hadn’t happened. Oh, no, (insert worst imaginable, improbable consequence here) is going to happen!

These thoughts prompt me to realize I’ve fallen into the trap of ego, trying to achieve some imaginary goal or leap some completely arbitrary hurdle. When I realize I’ve been in the trance of doing or fixing, and relax again into being, I notice what it’s like to move from being in that hurried, agitated trance to being in the present, in sanity.

Time management matrix as described in Merrill...

Time management matrix as described in Merrill and Covey 1994 book “First Things First,” showing “quadrant two” items that are important but not urgent and so require greater attention for effective time management (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When we make arbitrary lists and plans and then beat ourselves up for not finishing what might well be unrealistic, or have already become irrelevant, goals, this is the epitome of not being present for our own lives. Could anything be further from self compassion? Could anything be further from what really matters? How could we disengage from this cycle of violence to self? Sometimes it helps to look and really see how that urgency to “get it all done” inevitably becomes violence to innocent bystanders who we see either as recruits for or obstacles to accomplishing our imaginary urgent list items?

If nothing else, it can be useful to ask questions like:

  • what is the urgency about? where does it come from?
  • what is my busyness helping me avoid?
  • does my self worth rooted in being or is it dependent on doing?
  • what would happen if my schedule included breaks to regroup and ground myself?
  • what objections does the mind/ego raise to adopting a slower, more realistic pace?
  • what are all the costs of not being present?

What I’ve realized is that I will probably always feel the pull of achievement, but now I don’t have to get lost in it. I can revise my expectations to accommodate reality as needed, without having to get so beat up by the process. I can recognize the “should” for what it is: resistance to life, avoiding truth, and an attempt to control reality, which never leads to peace.

I see clearly how I feel less anxious when I’m not standing behind myself with a stick, trying to get it all done, “or else”. And little by little, I become increasingly comfortable with living in the real world. Which, ironically, is the feeling I was after the whole time with my to-do lists.  But you know what? I never found the feeling there, never found it at the end of striving, except as a fleeting glance. I only ever really find that kind of lasting peace right here, right now, in the present moment.

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The Rhythm of Life

Posted on October 21, 2013 by Cynthia M Clingan
rhythm

rhythm (Photo credit: max_thinks_sees)

I recently heard this theory of self care (boring word therapists use to describe the relationship to the self) that made a lot of sense to me and expanded my understanding of its importance. It goes something like this:

We start out in the womb, our every need met instantaneously, shielded from discomfort and continuously soothed by the rhythm of mother’s heartbeat. Then suddenly, we are thrust into the cold, bright, loud world, separated from the soothing sounds of the womb, and for the first time, we experience what it feels like to want, and can do nothing about it or convey the pain save for to scream. Little by little, the rhythm of mother’s heartbeat is replaced by the rhythm of caregivers’ response to our attempts to communicate our needs, and a rhythmic bond of trust and security develops. As we grow from baby to child, then teen and adult, the rhythm of caring for our needs is gradually transferred from the caregiver to us, and the healthy adult maintains this rhythm for him or her self ever after.

This would be fine in a perfect world composed of flawless human beings, right? Who gives a crap anyway…I’m alive and I manage to stay that way, right? Well, there’s a difference between surviving and thriving, but we might not have noticed. We take this rhythm for granted and barely realize anything is missing when it’s not there. Which is normal if it was unreliable to begin with, or we think our value lies in doing rather than being, or both. This is the reason that people look at me the way I used to look at therapists who said it to me – cross-eyed with something between disgust and exasperation – when I suggest that everything begins with taking care of themselves, and that it is the foundation for everything else they want.

It is essentially self-compassion that I am pushing, because it IS the foundation. Every spiritual and self-help book worth its salt suggests self-compassion in some way. This is because until we change the relationship with ourselves, essentially, no good can follow. Violence toward self becomes violence toward others, in ways both subtle and also big and obvious. Even our well-meaning help to others can be violence, because it isn’t informed by awareness, mindfulness, and compassion. Rather, it becomes a sort of “idiot compassion” that meddles and is foolish and hurtful.

We all have varying degrees of responsiveness to our own needs, much of which we learned either directly or as a reaction to something in the past. My experience, plenty of research, and my clients, all point to improved quality of life when shifting the relationship with self  to one that is gentler, kinder, and more based in reality. We may be feeling anxious and depressed because we aren’t even responding to our own basic needs, let alone our emotional and spiritual selves. What if we knew we could rely on ourselves to witness our own experience with kindness and support? What would that feel like? Society doesn’t generally support such a relationship, though, and in fact usually opposes it, so you have to put out some effort at first to get to this place of sanity. I recommend starting small.

So, if you make lists you can never complete, need coffee everyday to get going, or don’t eat regular meals, you could probably be more self-compassionate. Here’s your simple challenge and the one I’ve returned to myself and given my clients:

Begin to rebuild the rhythm for your own life by responding as much as possible to 4 simple needs without delay:

  • Hunger (true hunger, not feeding emotions)
  • Thirst (true thirst, not guzzling water or coffee all day out of habit)
  • Bathroom urges (yes, you just put the hot food on the plate, but stop and go anyway)
  • Rest (if you stop and think about it, you know damn well when you need to sit down and take a break from physical or mental labor, and I’m not talking about doing it in front of the tv!)

Give those a go, and notice what happens, what objections the mind raises, and also how easy it is to get in the habit of responding to your own needs with a bit of practice. When you’ve mastered these, let me know and I’ll give you the next assignment!

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Meditation Challenge Update: October!

Posted on October 4, 2013 by Cynthia M Clingan

Well, I am 9 months into this project, and sitting regularly, 30 minutes, 5+ times per week. It’s no longer a decision whether to, but assumed that I will, every morning. I am not rolling out of bed at 6am to do it, but it is one of the first things that I do in the morning, before things get busy, before eating, checking the phone or email, or exercising. Even if it makes me scramble to get ready for work, I still take the time, and it feels that important.

Though I have not meditated every single day since January 1st, I have been regularly sitting daily for a majority of the time, and occasionally for a shorter or longer time than half an hour. I can honestly say that making this public commitment helped me establish the habit, for which I am truly grateful, but now I sit for other reasons. I spend time in silence every day because I feel drawn to, because it feels good, because it’s good for me, and because others benefit from the balance, calm and wisdom I gain, not necessarily in that order. It’s become a part of my life in a much bigger way, though:

Some shifts have occurred since I first began to sit in earnest. It was difficult in the beginning. I just wanted to escape from my mind, to feel some peace. I desperately wanted a break from the internal chatter. I would cling to the hope of a meditation experience of bliss and floaty transcendance, and occasionally the wish was granted. I heard teachers and others repeatedly say that to transcend was not the goal, but to embody awareness in every day life, in the ordinary. But I couldn’t see the “beautiful ordinary” that they pointed to from where I was then. I wanted it, hoped it existed, and continued to fumble along with faith. Gradually, not suddenly, the goal and the experience of sitting has shifted. Now I get what they were all pointing to, and:

  • I can sit for extended lengths of time without effort
  • I can immediately become present nearly anytime or anywhere
  • The experience of my body is the focus of meditation
  • Meditation is not boring
  • There is no goal, and no finish line
  • There is no clinging to or rejecting anything, including thought
  • I am more aware of my body, my “beingness” throughout the day
  • Any emotional intensity that arises on or off the cushion has become ground for “work” or “practice”, which to me now just means paying attention to the body without judgement

What Norman Fisher says in this past July issue of Shambala Sun article entitled What is Your Body? accurately describes the place I currently find myself:

The sense that the body is more than the body, and that your life is more than your life, becomes a conviction and a calm confidence in the body itself, and therefore also in the mind.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am not sure if I arrived at this place simply by sitting, but I now know that I could have. My appreciation for the experience of body as the focus of meditation continues to grow with each sitting, and I experience ongoing healing as a result of my focused practice since reading In an Unspoken Voice and applying those principles (sometimes with assistance). I feel like I finally understand the importance of the body in this whole process of spiritual development. The answer has been literally under my nose all along. No wonder they call it “embodiment”! It feels like filling up your whole body with awareness. It feels like being fully alive.

body tumblr

body tumblr (Photo credit: Dreaming in the deep south)

I have known for some time that traumatic stress and discomfort with emotions are often overlooked barriers to starting a mindfulness or meditation practice for many people. It was a barrier for me once upon a time and I am so happy to have discovered how to assist others with addressing barriers to practice. Call me for an appointment or attend one of my meditation classes to learn more.

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Choices: Love vs. Fear

Posted on August 21, 2013 by Cynthia M Clingan

Two days ago I came down pretty hard and fast with what I assume is a nasty cold, and I have been thinking about how my responses to my own suffering didn’t match up with the self-compassion I preach to others.

I did decide to take a couple of days off, and rationalized protecting others from my slurping, and wheezing and germs. Colds by the way, according to PubMed, are contagious from the moment the virus enters the body until symptoms are completely gone. If you stay home during the worst cold symptoms, you may prevent giving it to coworkers, who will invariably be grateful for your decision.

The Heart

The Heart (Photo credit: petalouda62)

What I have been contemplating is how my decision to cancel my appointments for yesterday and today was so difficult. I first thought about what would be considered “appropriate”, what coworkers might think, what my clients might think, whether someone might need something, whether others might still work in my condition, how others would have no choice but to work in a similar condition, and on and on. Last on the list, but still there, thankfully, was what was possible and best for me.

Fortunately I was able to rationalize resting early in order to avoid extended  illness and/or recovery later. But I notice that I still have spent time thinking about what I should have or could been “accomplishing” in between dozing and nose-blowing, as though it were even possible with such diminished energy and focus. Many of my clients also report guilt when they are home sick from work, so I think this subject deserves some thought.

It’s just so difficult to put ourselves first. Have you noticed? I’m talking about in a loving way, not just trampling others feelings and shopping all day and eating whatever we want. There’s something unfamiliar and therefore uncomfortable about taking really good care of ourselves.

Robert Holden’s most recent blog post discusses self-love and the common tendency we have to hold it out like a trophy to be awarded to ourselves only after everything else has been completed. He makes the point that self-love actually has to precede action in order for it to be effective and fear-based.

As always, I recommend you check it out for yourself to see if it’s true. Is your first response to your own pain one based in love, or one based in fear or worry about what others think? You could also check out the exercises in the chapter “A Tale of Two Selves” from Robert Holden’s book Be Happy to support your exploration.

What do you think would happen if you affirmed each day “I will love myself more today”? According to Holden,

the willingness to love yourself more is what helps you to show up fully in your own life. Self-love helps you to be less afraid of the present, because you have forgiven the past. Self-love helps you align with love, which is your true power. Now you are someone who brings love with you into your relationships, your work and your life. This is how self-love literally changes the world.

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Surprisingly Simple Itch Remedy for Bug Bites

Posted on August 8, 2013 by Cynthia M Clingan

I hate these itches!

Tis the season…for mosquitos, that is. Seems I can’t set a toe outside right now without getting bit by something or other. But at least I no longer have to deal with the itching, scratching and expensive itch creams that don’t really work. A friend told us about this remedy when my husband and I were in Florida recently…

I love when it’s this simple – just press the back of a hot spoon (but not hot enough to burn yourself!) to your mosquito bite for a minute or two and voila! No more itch.

I’ve been heating up a small amount of water on the stove and quickly dunking the spoon so I don’t have to run the tap waiting for it to warm up. Read about it on LifeHacker.

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Learning Not to Try

Posted on July 25, 2013 by Cynthia M Clingan

7/24/13

I know the posts have been sparse recently due to the worsening electrical sensitivity to my laptop, but I think I’ve mostly remedied that issue with an external mouse and keyboard.

I’m here on our annual trip to Florida, our fourth visit. The weather has been very nice so far, but I expected to feel different than I do, perhaps more like a previous experience here, more relaxed or more something, but I don’t know what, exactly.

When we make this trip, I usually treat myself to a copy of tricycle magazine for plane or beach reading, and there happened to be a little article in there that talked about how we humans are always missing the experience at hand in favor of trying to have an experience. At the very moment I read that phrase, I knew that’s what I had been doing ever since we arrived, probably even before we left. It’s so interesting that the same idea we’ve seen over and over, finally written in just the right way, hits home and we “get it”.

Now that I am aware of what I’ve been doing, I can try to allow myself to experience what “the 4th time” in Florida is like, rather than trying to make it feel like the 1st time, or the 2nd, or the 3rd. Those experiences were each unique, and now I can allow this one to be so, as well.

I think this is one of the most challenging aspects of being a human – this tendency to strive, to always be trying to force life to take the shape we wish it to have. Even armed with the awareness and the experience that this approach of forcing life to bend to my will does not work and makes others around me unhappy as well, I continue to discover the ever so subtle force of striving at work in various areas of my life.

I am now practicing honoring whatever form the present moment takes on my vacation this year, but I find that the pull of the will, the undercurrent of I want and I don’t want it to be this way, doesn’t just disappear. So I try to include the sensation of that resistance as part of my experience, as well, reminding myself that this moment is the only one that I have, so I may as well try to make friends with it.

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Meditation Challenge Update 6/10/13

Posted on June 10, 2013 by Cynthia M Clingan

So we’re approaching the 6 month mark and I thought I’d check in to see how everyone is doing and to report my experience so far.

I am meditating approximately 6 days per week, at least 30 minutes. Occasionally I will go for 45 or 60 minutes, and more rarely I run out of time and have only 10 or 20 minutes to sit. It’s mostly habit, though I’m not on a rigid schedule, and I usually do it in the morning. Sometimes I will meditate when I first get in bed, but I fall asleep too quickly most of the time to put in any significant time.

I still have not got a “best time”. Sometimes I sit as soon as I get out of bed, sometimes not until I’ve eaten, exercised, and showered. It seems easier after a workout when my body is already relaxed, or first thing when I get up before my mind gets cluttered with weather and to-do lists and email.

Meditation

Meditation (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)

That said, I am not particularly trying to have a certain experience, only to make sure I put in the time. I always feel better after, and the day seems to go better, when I have spent time in silence in the morning. I think this is good for my clients, and for me. And it doesn’t seem to matter whether the meditation time has been noisy or full of distractions, the benefits seem to still be there.

The other significant thing I notice more and more lately, is the way I push certain moments or experiences in life away. I literally turn away from feelings that are restless, depressed, or anything other than perfect peace. What the noticing has allowed me to do is to be able more of the time to choose to try to make friends with my experience, whatever it is, in any given moment, on or off the cushion. I’ll be starting to turn away from some discomfort, notice I am trying to disconnect, and then try to stay instead.

It doesn’t matter whether I am driving to the grocery store, feeling terrified of something,  or my mind keeps worrying while trying to meditate, I ask myself, “Can I make friends with this?,” and, “what would that be like?”. I already know the value in doing this. Hell, we all know that there’s wisdom within the challenges handed to us by life. The problem is, we usually forget or are unable to override our own reactivity when we encounter such challenges.

Staying put inside ourselves during challenging times is the task, or “staying right on the spot”, as Pema Chodron puts it. We’re so used to turning away and doing something else – fixing, drinking, raging, sleeping – to numb ourselves. In doing so, we miss the opportunity to receive the gift within the challenge.

The urge to turn away can be intense. It might feel like something will explode if you don’t get away. But I find that every time I stay and make friends with what’s here, it gets easier to do it the next time. The result seems to be that there’s less of life that I find unacceptable or unwelcome, and it feels like a net gain because I get to be present for more of my life and hence, there’s more of my life. There’s less fretting about undone housework, being more relaxed more of the time, feeling more grateful, and letting go of lists and ideas of how life should be.

By no means can I say I have mastered any of this, just that I am witnessing the progression by contrast to how things used to be. I also cannot explain how or why this is happening. It is lovely and amazing, and I could not have anticipated it. I am visited less often by the tension and angst about how far from my idea of perfection is this thing called life. In fact, I don’t really even measure it that way anymore. Perfection is already here, in this moment. It’s right there under our noses, if we allow ourselves to see it. We’re just so conditioned not to see the perfection in life and in ourselves.

Enough about me, how’s YOUR practice coming along? Sharing your experience always helps others, and I’d love to hear how you’re doing. As always, you can contact me privately if you need assistance or have questions about your practice or things that might be coming up for you as a result of practice.

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Believing is not Seeing

Posted on June 6, 2013 by Cynthia M Clingan

I notice more and more now how when I believe something very strongly and grasp onto it as truth, it usually comes around to bite me. The mind’s desire to find some scrap of ground to put under its feet is in opposition to being able to see clearly and respond to reality. Acting from belief instead of what’s actually there creates an obvious mismatch between situation and action that’s almost comical if you think about it. We are constantly going around responding to our own made up world and we don’t even know it.

I am becoming more convinced that not being open = not living. Not being open is analogous to living in the dream state because you only see what you’ve made up in your head. I find it’s just not possible to be open to what’s here now and simultaneously hang on to what I think I know about it. Maybe it’s one of those rare things like being pregnant that you either are or you’re not – you’re either open to life or you’re not.

You can experiment with this in your own life, to discover for yourself whether this is true. This week in meditation class I proposed trying this experiment with someone in your life to find out what happens when you drop all expectation about them and be fully present with who and how they are in the moment, suspending all ideas about them. And no, you shouldn’t tell the person you are doing this. You don’t want to ruin the surprise, do you?

As always, I don’t expect you to take my word for it. Let me know what you discover.

 

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Are You Really Connected?

Posted on March 26, 2013 by Cynthia M Clingan
Wired Mom

Wired Mom (Photo credit: Ktoine)

When I see people staring at their phones in public while their two year old tugs at their sleeve, I always wonder what the societal impact of this will be. Electronic distraction is a relatively new phenomenon, and the full force of it is yet to be realized. I figure it probably can’t be good, since I know that parents who are inattentive due to addiction or mental illness can produce some pretty angry offspring.

The NYT article Your Phone vs. Your Heart discusses the possible implications of our distraction from direct human connection. Being distracted by technology is even more damaging than you might think. According to this article, it changes who we are, and our very ability to connect with others. Here’s an excerpt, but I hope you’ll follow the link and check out the article:

Work in social genomics reveals that our personal histories of social connection or loneliness, for instance, alter how our genes are expressed within the cells of our immune system. New parents may need to worry less about genetic testing and more about how their own actions — like texting while breast-feeding or otherwise paying more attention to their phone than their child — leave life-limiting fingerprints on their and their children’s gene expression.

When you share a smile or laugh with someone face to face, a discernible synchrony emerges between you, as your gestures and biochemistries, even your respective neural firings, come to mirror each other. It’s micro-moments like these, in which a wave of good feeling rolls through two brains and bodies at once, that build your capacity to empathize as well as to improve your health.

It’s pretty much the opposite of mindfulness, isn’t it – to ignore the humans right in front of us, in favor of an electronic device? At a minimum, it certainly is invalidating to those we are ignoring. And we know this extreme distraction must have consequences, which we conveniently avoid allowing ourselves to think about. But it’s not too late. We can start choosing right now, or in any moment, to be present and connected in meaningful ways, and to put down the phone.

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