I’m Here

My first post since the extraordinary time that is Covid first hit awareness here for most of us.

I am still not ready to write, but I also feel the need to begin, so hopefully I can continue writing beyond today.

I sit outside, welcoming the burning of the sun at it’s early fall angle, feeling I could sit here for years, welcoming the elements to batter me, without moving a muscle. I keep returning to the the vague knowing, the vague awareness, years ago, that this part, my heart, might feel this way if or when it finally opened. I resisted the urge to force it open, as learned there are ways to do such a thing, and I’m so glad I waited.

It’s a bit perilous, writing about what’s happening at the same time as I’m being a therapist and a support to others. And, I think it’s helpful for others, as well as my clients, to know that I am human, so they will know they also have permission to be. So they will know I am not afraid of their pain.

Soon, today, I will shift gears and start my day of Zoom meetings. I am grateful for the responsibilities which pull me out of the well of grief so that I can be with others. It’s constantly surprising me how possible this is, and how much softer and more open it’s made it possible for me to be with myself and with others.

This morning I had the luxury of time to be with grief, or whatever this mix of heaviness and intensity might be called, in a new way, for a little while. Sitting outside, staring into the yard, and making a space in my body for the wave to move through. Noticing the old familiar contractions in my head, shoulders, and torso, and allowing them to release so I could more fully feel the heaviness and sadness in my whole body. I want to know this part of myself. It’s waited a long time for my body to be able to hold it, and for me to be able to welcome it without judgement.

Two waves, three waves, four waves, then I decide to stop and eat breakfast.

More and more, I’m able to make space for it, as I shift away from fear that it will never end, or all the other things that might come as a result of feeling in a culture that cannot, will not, allow sadness. Bit by bit there’s more ease, as I release the need to explain it, rationalize it, analyze it.

I feel the anger and sadness about all the past attempts to pathologize me, judge me, diagnose me, by people who did not know they were frozen and unable to feel, unaided by the understanding of traumatic stress. I feel the regret for times I’m sure others may have felt I did the same to them.

I’ll run now, even though it feels like the heaviness of my body won’t allow it, and I’ll find, as before, that my body remembers how to run. Running as a way to care for myself, not as a way to get rid of what I feel.

I don’t know what’s ahead on this new journey of a heart broken wide open, but I can refuse to pathologize myself or go into worry that something’s “wrong” with me.

And you can, too.

Sending love for your day,




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Valentine’s Gratitudes

I’m tired today, but not particularly sleepy, even though I’m not sure whether I slept at all.  I really HATE not sleeping well. I know full well that potatoes (I think it’s the lectins in them) mess with me, and I heard the whisper in my brain about the sleepless night I would induce, but I succumbed for convenience last night. I’m also stressed about this presentation on the 21st, which, since I began preparing for it, has me sleeping only about every third or fourth night from exhaustion.

The journey since accepting the invitation has been a pretty interesting roller coaster. Lying in bed this morning still wired and wrestling with the anxiety in my chest while my mind concocted the most brilliant TED talks all night long, it occurred to me to put my focus lower on my body, below my diaphragm, and viola!, something felt a little better. After a bit of hanging out with my focus, and then my hand, on my belly, it then spontaneously occurred to me that I was in a nice warm house in a nice warm bed. As I started to feel the shift that was happening in my body, my mind took off noticing other things I was grateful for despite the lack of sleep and the body panic, which led to wondering about extending and intentionally engaging in the gratitude list construction this morning as a way of supporting myself to feel better, which led to me wanting to share it, and this, with you…

That I don’t have it all mastered. That I, this morning, sheepishly realized it had taken me all night, maybe even a month, to really remember, or be able to access this in the moment I really needed it. This thing that I help my clients do to embody things that feel too big to handle: make a bigger body container, grounded in resource. I just keep trying to go forward, taking the risk of being real, and holding on to the knowledge of how good, how free, how more and more real and connected I feel, as a result.

Amazingly, I’m able to tap into the feeling of support in a way I never would have before. Actually being able to access safety through connection – even just thinking about connection with my imagined audience next Friday, all the friends who will be there, and all the people and supports who are making the opportunity possible, is a whole new experience for me. It’s almost unbelievable.

And now, I want to share my gratitude list with you.

Warm layers, inside, on a crisp, cold morning


Treating myself to a homemade cup of clean, dairy free, decaf mocha that’s usually reserved for Saturday

That we can afford the clean local beans from the Worthington Farmer’s Market for said treat

Farmer’s market friends

Great article share from farmer’s market friend last night

The beautiful Valentine’s message this morning from my Huckleberry of almost 20 years

Access to the feeling of ground

The email today from an African American male expressing interest in the CRM teacher training

Snow, and the hope of more

Bluebirds zipping around outside

Earth that is the source of groundedness and food, and its magnetism combined with light, that produces every single thing supporting all the life forms on it

Support of my Huckleberry, and many great friends and family

The terrifying experiences on this life journey that keep leading me into deeper healing, meaning, and connection

Sun, and light, and especially sunlight

Did I mention great friends

The feeling that I’m getting closer and closer to my authenticity and my ability to be grounded in it, and express from it

The big sycamore at Masefield park and all the trees at this end of the trail, especially the big, wise ones


Help and love from others as I work out what I really want to say next Friday

Opportunities and support that life/universe keep extending to me at crucial moments

The amazingness of this journey of starting to be able to feel connection more spontaneously, (or at all, really!) at deep levels of my being, and in my body

My courageous clients I learn so much from

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you! I’m thinking of this as Love day, as Gratitude day, Care More day, rather than the commercialized candy, flowers and hearts day it has become.

Love to all of you, my Friends. Thanks for tuning in.

Back to work on my presentation.





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Birthday Reflections

It’s a pretty different day that the one last year. I feel grateful, hopeful, at ease.

I share the experience of my journey hoping that others might find something helpful for their own journeys.

I am struck by the way what I need keeps appearing to help me on to the next part of the process. The latest example is accidentally discovering Thomas Hubl after being invited by a friend to participate in a web training of his. The idea of listening to yet another spiritual teacher made me want to puke. Simultaneously, the group participation and collective trauma exploration aspects of it terrified me. Something in me continues to be able to sense when I should move toward or away, and a force other than logic drew me in.

What I’ve discovered is an adjunctive process/framework to support what I’ve already been working on. Plagued by energy management issues, I’ve found an explanation that makes sense and a way to work with it, in addition to what I’ve already been doing.

The so-called “problems” I’ve been struggling with turn out to be, surprisingly, the same work I’ve been doing all along. The simplicity of it is astounding. Feeling my feelings – all of them – helps build a stronger human container to hold the charge of life so it can move through and express.

I’ve noticed for a long time how I squander a good bit of my energy through lack of discipline in sleep routines and diet, and dumb down my energy with sugar or tv when it feels big. I’m starting to be able to stay, and let the energy fill my body, and let it enliven me and watch how it wants to move.

I get why group settings have been difficult now…more people = more energy, even harder to contain. It’s starting to be easier to talk in front of groups and stay connected to myself.

It’s been quite an amazing and unpredictable journey to find my body feeling a bit more open with each bit of work I do, and to notice the pattern that habitually braces my body against big feelings, good or bad, because of it having been too much for so long. Now I can notice and either choose to stay open and feel the flow from head to toe and back, or I can brace or resist feeling, and stay open to that feeling if that’s all I can do. Either way, it’s an amazing feeling to have experience come in and fill my body and be able to stay with the wave!

Here ‘s the thing: there’s no way my mind could have told me it would be like this. People who already have it, have no idea what it’s like to not have it. And those who don’t have it, can’t imagine it.

All I could do is keep going. No matter what, all I could do is keep being honest with myself about where I was, even when my mind was saying, what the heck is going on? What about all that enlightenment crap? Now it all makes sense. Waking up only takes you so far. Then you have to live. That’s the real work. Cleaning the gunk out of the pipes by going through it all consciously, bit by bit.

Then you start to feel the flow, the movement out, toward life. Off the cushion. Life flowing through you, wanting to express. The movement that cannot be faked or forced. Happy Birthday to me.

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Simple Gifts

Dear readers, many many changes continue to arrive for me in this transformation process. I don’t know how many times I will need to experience the expansions that follow every contracted dark period to truly trust it always goes that way, but it’s starting to seem like a pattern, for sure!

It’s been a rough transition to winter. Darkness. Heaviness. I feel it, and others are saying they feel it too. Not feeling festive. It feels like a time of intense transitions, peppered with fear, hopelessness, and sorrow about the conditions of the world. Some point to planetary events. It’s all shifting continuously, though. Things look different today than they did yesterday. I’ve started lately to question actual darkness out there in the world, and wonder whether it’s more a thing calling my attention to my own unexplored and disowned dark places.

That said, inspiration and support seem to come from the most unusual places! I thought I’d share with you some of those practices and ideas in case you might also benefit from that support.

The first is from William Samuel. I caught a reference to him on FB in some thread, and without knowing why, purchased the book The Child Within Lives. It’s a strange book, and I struggle to keep reading at times, but there have been two incredibly powerful concepts I’ve been practicing. One is recording “Glimpses”. This means journaling about beauty, insights, shifts. I write about nature sightings, like the amazing gray and crimson sky last night, or the gratitude I feel for friends or family interactions, or a new breakthrough in awareness. It seems to open a doorway for more of that to keep entering my life. Continuing the writing keeps the flow going.

The other concept is about giving. Giving in two ways: material and metaphysical. The first is simple – giving to those in material need without any expectation. I really finally got this with Samuel’s explanations of “giving to Caesar what is Caesar’s”. This opens up the flow of abundance at the material level. The other is giving or sharing insight with others. We might share or write of our insights and learnings, without trying to change or convince anyone of anything, or even assuming we know anything. This opens the flow of abundance for the spiritual or metaphysical level of being.

Opening these flows can significantly change the experience of living. It becomes possible to experience gratitude in a way that is unforced, and spontaneously, continuously arising. It may a little some time to establish the habit, and one should be aware one’s internal blocks to receiving may get in the way of moving toward such abundance. The flow seems to open up as little or as much as you do the practices.

Which brings me to the next practice gift I discovered: working to expand space and sensing of the body. There are many ways to approach this, and often people will do one of these, but not the other. Suzanne Durana-Scurlock, for example has resources that support this practice of opening and sensing the body. Any body practice can help with increasing self awareness, if curiosity about sensation and the felt experience is a part of it. Body based meditations by Reggie Ray in books and also video, are another way of building such skills. The reason for doing this is to make more space for experiences. Life wants to flow through us, unresolved feelings want to be finally felt so they can move on and out, and we need enough body container space to hold and tolerate what we experience. Allowing leads to transformation and freedom. The mind cannot conceive of how this is so, but it is what happens, nonetheless. (Sometimes we can need support to shift the patterns of constriction that block this openness. A skilled somatic practitioner can often help.)

Lastly, there is the expansion of attention to the fact of humans being not only a physical body, but also an energy body. Attending to this energy aspect of the body can be done in many ways, from Reiki, to qi qong, polarity practices, and a multitude of other practices. I’ve been trying out this Donna Eden practice.

These practices are opening up for me a different kind of connection to myself, to the season, to generosity and gratitude. It’s a wider space, a neutral orientation, an appreciation for the beauty that is all around. It comes and goes and hits me when I least expect it. To quote my favorite corny holiday movie, I’m finding it’s true that “Love actually IS, all around,” and then the real trick is just to let it in!

I want to express my deep gratitude to all those who have provided support to me last month, and ongoing. xo

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Staying in the Goo

I wrote this a week ago and couldn’t finish:

“Here it is again. Or rather, here’s another one. It’s not the same as before. It’s another place that feels stuck, that has an intensity of wanting to pop or move or unstick. It feels awful, and I can’t even figure out how to be with it. I know I might need support to shift it.

I know it’s important because I can’t seem to go into it, and I’m so exhausted from trying to manage the resistance that I can barely stand to do it anymore. There’s no technique or anything I can do and I just don’t even want to. I sense that if I could give up resistance to it, it probably would shift.

Just hearing Adya a second ago talking about devotion. Devotion to practice, to silence, to the timeless. Reminding me to come back to right now.

I’m excited because it feels like something important is about to happen again. And it’s amazingly painful because I can’t go back or forward. I think I understand why people go and do things like Ayahuasca or other mind altering journeys when they have a lot of trauma history.”

I’m still stepping forward through the discomfort, wondering what it’s all about…any of it. The heaviness of dark mornings, and colder weather coming, and the layers of body memory of it all: being so cold it hurt, morning dread of school torture, the lack of joy and meaning, and lack of safety and support for a person so young dealing with such difficulty.

I know that gratitude and connection are part of the way out, and yet sometimes it’s so hard to access them. The more contracted I feel, the more difficult it is to access those things.

Here I am sharing with you my purposeful effort to connect to those things right now.

I’m appreciating the wide space that felt opened up after having just a single cancellation today. I decided to receive it and turn away from wondering whether it was a true emergency and I was owed anything for the time.

I’m reflecting on impromptu, good conversation yesterday with a good friend, about the importance of slowing down, the possibility of relating to myself in the mornings in a different way, and the support for clarifying purpose and intention in personal and professional work.

I’m appreciating the sun, and the ability to be indoors out of the wind and chill, the hot cup of spicy ginger tea with raw honey, and knowing I have warm layers I could put on if I want to go outside for a bit.

I felt the pull to listen to some of the recordings on the Gina Sager web conference on the roots of modern dis-ease even though I had low expectations, and found a bit of clarity and inspiration, and a resource for a client, that I was not expecting to find in the day 4 interviews. I don’t know how the things I need seem to find me at just the right time. Such a delight.

The title of this post comes from the reminder about the butterfly…when it goes into the cocoon, and who knows how it knows to do that???, it doesn’t just grow wings. It becomes a liquid goo, that somehow is miraculously transformed into a butterfly.

We are so aversive of messes. They freak us out, disorient us, and we do anything we can to get rid of them. We don’t often consider them a source of transformation or truth. We don’t think of our breaking down as becoming the goo, like the caterpillar, that will transform into something else, possibly something beautiful with wings.

It’s making it a little easier for me to be in the mess, hold a curiosity about all the invitations being offered me by life right now, and notice the reflexive stress reaction to the  goo. I wonder what all of it will look like later, with my new wings.




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The past two or three weeks…hellish fear alternating with ordinary existence. Up and down, okay and then very not okay, but still okay, somehow. Waking up fully, recently to the apparently dire circumstances of the earth and few interested in taking appropriate action, systems that impose unsustainable ways of living, people everywhere disconnected, leaders and others at the top of the food chain unwilling to relinquish the status quo, the threat of 5G and the globe surrounded by satellites altering the environment we’ve adapted to in ways that are already harming all living things, a blue lit world that interferes with our built in biological master controls. Drugs and unlimited onscreen substitute for real life experiences, automatons instead of critical thinking humans. Inhumane treatment of others everywhere. I can’t believe that this is the shit I’ve awakened to. I wrestle with grief, fear, sadness, anger, disbelief. I keep noticing that there’s been a shift to a way less personal orientation to all of it. It’s less about me, or “happiness” or a career, or my stuff.

There’s my crying over my lost innocence, my thinking that it would all be fine one day after I healed the trauma wounds and figured out my place in the big picture. Then none of it makes sense when there’s no “me” to take seriously. And yet it all makes sense now. All the pieces fit. My lifelong discontent, sadness for the world, why I couldn’t drink the Koolaid in all my Econ classes…externalities waved away, like so much chalk dust on a blackboard. The missing depth when I tried to connect with others, the things I couldn’t tell anyone about because they could not see the same things I saw. Thinking something was wrong with me, but knowing I saw what I saw, all this time, unable to reconcile it and fit somewhere in the world.

Today didn’t turn out like I planned. Maybe I should start letting go of the criticism around that. Maybe I could accept I am not a well-planned kind of human and dump that extra stress, dump all the ideas I ever had about what I am supposed to be. I felt not terrible, despite the poor sleep.

Spent most of the morning til 12:30 outside, grateful. Walking him to the bus stop, gawking at at a neighbor’s beautiful garden on the way back, reading, eating, weeding, watching the mosquitos, and the bumblebees coming back to work, meeting with a friend online for unexpected discussions. Afterward seeing a doe and spotted fawn next door, eyeballing me and the organic buffet of my yard. Trying to talk myself out of my yard and into the gym.

Then I realized I had an appointment earlier than I remembered, and the whole day shifted. I ate lunch and showered and went, and had very good sessions (I still keep being surprised – it feels outside of my control, somehow, larger than me), discovered the third client had canceled but I had missed the info.

So there was no painting trim, no meditating, no exercise. There was the cup of tea I hadn’t planned. Catching beetles, watering some wilted garden friends. Choosing to run the grocery errand, clean the kitchen and make dinner, instead of computer work.

I heard myself say while talking to the friend this morning, there is no strategy that works anymore for the fear. “Even trying to get ground makes no sense”, I say, “because… well, I AM the ground.” It’s indescribable. I connect with my body, my center, my me-ness, and then it suddenly shifts and it feels like it’s EVERYTHING. It’s not mine. It’s the earth and the sky and the void and me and it’s shifting, alive, breathing. It’s all happening inside the space of that. And it isn’t anything inside of anything. It’s all one thing. I cannot place the hierarchy I used to use. It doesn’t fit. Everything just IS. It doesn’t need my help.

As we talk, the friend and I, I realize there is no point in trying to find a safe place to be with all that’s happening. I try to convey this and succeed a little. I tell her I’m content to leave it an open question right now…how to be with what’s happening to the earth, to people, and the traumatic disconnection that supports all that appears to be so destructive. I’m not sure I made any sense.

I’m embarrassed about not holding the meeting last night that I was so interested in having when I announced at meditation it a week ago, to try to read Joanna Macy or David Loy together, to DO something. I know I may still have to come and go from the terror of what might happen to me or those I love because of the environment’s effects, and I will try my best to view this as  the doorway to freedom and not turn away from the opportunity.

As the day goes on, I realize, every story has a bias, and I cannot find one that is more true than another. This is so disorienting. Nowhere to rest my head. At least it’s shifting fast enough to save me the embarrassment of starting some campaign or another only to have the understanding and the energy pulled out from underneath it all like a rug. I have experiences of others working very hard to avoid this place, or tocompletely numb to it, or substituting comfortable perspectives in order to cope – just to survive. I understand and feel no judgement in this moment.

I wonder at how and why I keep going in this journey. It truly feels like every teacher’s description: a combination of Grace and integrity – following the trail that leads to the truth of being, no matter where it goes. I’m starting to feel less pull to keep “working on my trauma”. Every time I get on a table, or sit in the client chair, or even meditate, the wave of unfolding starts and goes until the last minute of the hour. It’s predictable now, and feels ordinary, and as it should be. The unwinding is just happening, no trying or efforting. Less fear today, in this moment, about where it’s all going. Something seems fundamentally different today, and I am grateful. Sweet relief.


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Things I Can Do Now

It’s 9:40. He’s turned down the travel options I offer several times. I linger only a moment in disappointment. It’s hot and humid though the sun is long down since it was 91 degrees, and I’m hoping they’re still there. I slip on my shoes and a red Buckeyes cap and say bye, and hop on my bike with anticipation. I skip the helmet, expecting a smooth ride on dark, quiet neighborhood roads. I realize I don’t have my bike lit for night riding and promise myself to be careful. It’s my secret mini-rebellion. It’s the 3rd time on my bike today, and I feel grateful. I briefly think of the previous owner – my late father in law – and how he loved to ride. It’s a beautiful machine.

I ride smoothly through the still air, all downhill, passing a deer at the end of the street, I slowly turn left past it and stare as it watches me pass, my basket rattling as I travel over bumps, the thick breeze barely cool on my skin but keeps the mosquitos at bay, random bugs tapping me in the face along the way. No walkers out. The late dusk ride feels like flying. Only two cars on the way. I keep my visor down to avoid the blinding headlights of anxious drivers using their highbeams on quiet neighborhood streets, but checking for parked cars ahead to avoid calamity. Intending to return to the same park where I saw them before, I accidentally overshoot the mark…too far south. I take the path in and survey my options. I wonder if there’s a penalty for being there after dark.

The trail is dark, and I feel a spike of nerves as I press onward. It quickly turns to excitement and tell myself it’ll be ok. I watch for animals and other late night trail inhabitants, but there are none. I banish the thought of branches or other unseen obstacles. I have to look just a few feet ahead, in order to see; looking out further produces blindness. I pass two parks as I head north, trying to remember in the dark if it’s the next one or not, and suddenly, I recall the daytime image of where I am, and see the trail downhill ahead is under water. I briefly contemplate trying to ride through, but can’t tell how deep it is, and instead take an alternate route, through woods, a mulch trail, and hope my skinny road bike tires won’t be pierced by a splinter. The path curves through a little dark grove of trees and opens into the park I seek – I recognize the outline of the giant sycamore against the sky, with the picnic table beneath, just beyond the unmowed stretches of meadow on either side of the path before they become lawn.

I ride toward the path exit and turn around so I can approach and see the meadow backed by forest, like a stage, for the thousand fireflies blinking like fairy lights. I’m excited, grateful, and relieved it’s still going on. The show is accompanied by crickets, the highway sounds, and the faint popping of premature fireworks from the neighborhoods north. The Big Dipper overhead, I watch with wonder, riding back and forth between the park entrance and the riverside trail, lucky to have a loop made by two trail exits that join and head to the sycamore. I stop on my bike more than once to stare, stock still in awe, not that concerned about the mosquitoes that are biting.

Round and round I ride, careful each time I enter the riverside trail, wondering if there are skunks, and mystified by the lack of others wanting to see the spectacle. Riding through the trees on the trail I look up for as long as I dare, balancing carefully in the dark, to see pink clouds between the black treetop silhouettes against a baby blue sky. It is a marvelous combination of light and dark, with the highway lights reflecting off of the high river water of recent rains on my right. I keep going around counter clockwise, carefully following the shadows of the trail, almost falling off around one of the sharp turns while looking at the sky.

Opposite the flashing river, I see the faint lights of kitchen windows and family room that back up to the park. I wonder if they can see the firefly show. I wonder how no one can be here to appreciate this except me. I keep riding, listening to crickets and fireworks, staring up at the show that extends high into the trees. I think how the blinking is like fireworks. I think about catching fireflies in a jar as a kid and how much I loved those times outside at night in the summer, playing tag or chasing the lightning bugs. As I ride, “one more time”, and “one more time” again, through the trail circle, from river to road, and back, riding in and out of the fairy show, darkness thickens. The show becomes more spectacular. I think, “take a mental picture you might need when you’re 80 and can’t get here”. Then I think, “I’m coming back tomorrow” and “I’ll do this even when I’m 80,” trying not to think whether there will be fireflies, or trees, or an earth, or an 80 year old me, in 30 years.

I keep riding in the night air, thinking lightly of the time, not wanting to worry him by being gone too long. One last time I leave, looking back, trying not to fall off my bike, and not returning. I put my cap back on and head into the tree lined streets with randomly lit lampposts. Uphill now, I downshift. Not as fast, but still a thrill in the dark summer air. I try to feel it…summer…a week past solstice. Almost July. It feels like a dream. I appreciate the safe little neighborhood, and my little secret adventure. I feel free, fearless, grateful, unworried. It doesn’t quite feel like I decided to do it, rather, more like something led me there tonight.

I couldn’t have done it before. Not like this – unafraid and free. An imprint of pure summer  on my brain and body. Not needing permission, not needing company, not grasping for more. Perfection. I’m alive.

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Roller Coaster

Holy Cow! I cannot believe what a ride. Expansion after beautiful expansion, each followed by a contraction. The contractions seem to feel more horrible each time. Like a Parthian shot, the old patterns seem to announce in a Monty Python voice, “I’m not dead yet!”, an insult to the beatific and spacious expansions in my meditation and therapy sessions. Tight contracted weeping and fear.

Moods swing wildly between “there’s nothing to fix, all is well,” and “the world is ending tomorrow (or sometime soon after)”. This is punctuated by periods of extreme listlessness and tension, and an inability to take action on much of anything new in an organized way, and then blessed moments of feeling grounded, inspired and alive. It comes in spurts. House painting, journaling, exercising, reading, gardening…but no recognizable rhythm to any of it. Sleep is all over the place, energy is all over the place. I still can’t stick to a regular bedtime or rising time. Yet, I’m eating well, keeping moving, still meditating, and moving forward. I can still feel my body in ways that never were possible before. I’m still curious about the relationship of all this new sensing to living, and pleasure, and sex.

I see people doing things I want to do, having it all together, and feel jealous, hopeless, defeated. Then I take inventory and find I don’t really want those things at all, and feel terrified, because I used to want them, and I still have no idea what will fill its place. If I can’t sustain any energy to BE SOMEONE, or ACCOMPLISH GREAT THINGS then what’s it all about? I am closer than ever to just moving through life as it directs, surrendering to the obvious, doing what I am clearly meant to do, and dropping ideas about image, success, and the regard of others. Those things haven’t gone lightly or willingly, though. They are the cost of doing business in this awakening game. I can no longer sustain the energy to pursue them. I can only pursue what is genuine in me. I know what that is by how I feel when I stray from it – like being dead.

My work with clients, though, has never been better. It is stupefying. I feel so incredibly strong and clear in the space of the intention to support others. If I can hold my seat on this roller coaster ride, I’m hoping it will level out a bit and I can feel more settled in my own life. The panic of “there’s no safe place anywhere” is becoming more and more clearly understood as a pattern rather than a reality.  It provides a doorway for me to access the unfinished business as I faithfully continue BCST and SE sessions in a less desperate and more knowing confident way of feeling the coming to the end of the most serious work.

I’m reminded when I feel intensely unsafe that I have a way to connect to Source, through my body, in a reliable way. I can just sense it there. Interestingly enough, it seems to follow the length of my torso, from the top of my head to the tip of my tail – the sense of something bigger than me, inhabiting this form in the center of my body. Yep, just checked – it’s still there. Even when I can’t stand to be in my own skin because it is so uncomfortable, I have a sense of “everything keeps changing”, and a knowing that the desperate impulse to change my external surroundings will not fix everything. And yet, my deep longing to be nearer nature, with less noise and artificial light, persists. It has been with me ever since I remember. It is a part of my me-ness.

This change process seems to require the courage, dedication and conviction of a warrior. I get the Bodhisattva meaning more than ever now. Holding my ground as everything falls away, no belief left untouched, as though I’m on a little iceberg in the middle of the ocean, and it’s melting. I know I can swim. I know I have beautiful friends in the ocean. A part of me longs to be one with the great dark aliveness of the water, and let the current sweep me away in its embrace.

I write this to you, my Friends, because I don’t think anyone ever talks about this part of the process. They always talk about the pretty parts. The pretty parts are indeed very pretty, for sure! I’m writing to you from this moment of “all is well” to tell you I really do think it will all be well. This is what change is like. This is what it is like to allow healing and awakening to have its way with you, to surrender body, mind, soul and emotions to the uniquely divine purpose of your being. I had no idea. How could I?



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From Having to Being

Fromm talks a lot in his books about the journey to becoming and being. I feel like it’s all just been a bunch of words and ideas until recently. Probably because I didn’t, couldn’t (how could I?), know about the necessity of being embodied, of actually having a body, in order to be, well…ANYTHING!

I really had no I idea how literally the disconnection from self manifests. When I first started to have Somatic Experiencing sessions, one of the very first things that caught my attention was the experience of less tension in my gut. It was amazing!

After that, there were experiences of being able to feel parts of my body as I never had before – almost as though someone had plugged me back in or reconnected the wire to my brain that would allow me to register that part of me as real and really mine. I could FEEL it in a different way. It’s like it was numb before, and then suddenly it was not.

Lately this has started to happen to my face, my mouth, inside my ears, the soles of my feet, the insides of my legs, my butt and all my girl parts – not all at the same time, but in a patterned sequence connected to the content I’m working on in sessions at that time.

This last and most recent awakening of my body, the ability to sense myself as female, has had a really startling side effect…there’s a playfulness now that wasn’t there before – just for the sake of play. Silliness, goofiness, curiosity, appreciation for things around me and about my body I never experienced before. I don’t know what to call it except joy. Pure and simple pleasure of being alive. I could never have predicted this, or guessed the trajectory, or what it would feel like to be here. I’ve read a lot of spiritual and self help books that hinted at this, but the experience is quite unbelievable. A week ago I felt like a 5 year old, then became 11 for a day, and then 13, then 22, and now back to my own age.

What persists is the pleasure of aliveness. I didn’t have the spontaneous collapsing of all reality into a “oneness” that includes the toilet brush. It’s been a bit by bit coming alive these past few years. And seemingly suddenly, here it is. The pleasure of air on my skin, the solidness of the ground beneath, the sun or the rain or the moon, the touch of my partner, touching my partner, eating a meal together, a spontaneous smile when others pass nearby. And, the  interconnectedness of all things feels like just an ordinary and wonderful fact of life. The total lack of effort – spontaneous gratitude – is astounding. 

That does not mean that there are no challenges, no contractions, no resistances. These extraordinary experiences of newness are already starting to integrate and become normal being for me. But I am positioned now better than ever to create more and more of the life I really want because I can FEEL. Shedding the trauma held in my body has made it safe to do that. I can see now how impossible that was from a place where I wasn’t able to feel myself, or feel safe being a self, or feel safe moving in the spontaneous ways that self wants to move. How do you know what you want or don’t want if you can’t feel?

This journey hasn’t been exactly like anyone else’s experience that I’ve heard or read, but there have been many helpful pointers and similarities along the way – just enough, I’d say. Perfect, even. If I could have had some extra advice along the way, I’d have wanted to have someone to whisper over and over, “Keep going. Don’t ever give up the dream of being alive. Whatever form that longing takes for you now, protect that flame of desire and keep going. Your experiences matter more than anything else. Don’t spend too much time comparing yourself to others. Take breaks from thinking about negative things. Just keep going and follow the path however it shows up.” Even without the whisperer, I guess something in me played that role anyway.

The trauma work has been crucially important in opening the way to higher consciousness and spontaneous joy.  I feel so grateful for the impulse toward life, for Somatic Experiencing, and for BCST. Transcendance is nice – truly, but it just doesn’t compare to the dual experience of consciousness plus embodiment. I’m grateful for every coincidence, every synchrony, every single thing that helped me get to here and now.

Joy to you today and always.




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I’m writing as much as I can before I have to go the office to meet clients. It’s been bothering me that I haven’t written more recently than this, but things are changing (in me) so quickly now that as soon as I start to write, it’s different again.

Today I had a session where I had support to contact and bring back online the parts of me that make me a woman…my curves, my parts, my essential femaleness. I’m aware it wasn’t safe to fully inhabit these parts while I was growing up, and all of the factors that play a role.

It’s going on 6 years since the very first time I ever heard about a thing called Somatic Experiencing, and so I think, wow, a lifetime of severe trauma and PTSD, and it took only 6 years to become a whole human again. I get why some people might not want to invest in that. And, in truth, I’ve probably been working on this healing process since I was 5 (that’s 45 yrs, give or take). For 6 years I’ve worked on it in all my somatic trainings where we practice on each other, practice and trade with my peers, studied polyvagal theory and SE, paid for ongoing SE, BCST, and Rolfing and polarity work, and meditated and studied nonduality and spirituality nonstop. I’ve been lucky to also be a demo in trainings with some highly skilled teachers: Dave Berger, Abi Blakeslee, Raja Selvam, Peter Levine. Those  experiences have all been pivotal in their own way.

The demo with Peter at the end of March really seems to have shifted everything into high gear, like a million tiny pieces falling into place, still falling. I worked on a tonsils surgery from childhood, which I never would have guessed was holding up so much of my ability to move forward in life.

Last Saturday I had a session with an assistant at Dave Berger’s BASE training,  and it seemed like I suddenly had a 3d face after that. Now 5 days later, I also have a 3d body.

People ask me what it’s going to look like, how long it’s going to take, and I wish I could tell them. I can only say that I know that any effort put toward awakening to yourself is never wasted. I notice that with right support, the thing that wants to bubble up next to be processed just seems to arise, and that there’s no wrong place to start, because, as I’m discovering in ways my mind could only guess, it’s all connected.

Have a wonderful, loving, living, breathing, beautiful human day. I’m off to work.



(I’ll fill in links to the people and things in this post later this evening if you want to check back.)

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