It sure does take awhile to shift to living from a life of surviving, pretending, and waiting for things to get better.

When it’s finally time to land in the doing and living of life, it can suddenly feel pointless. The weightless feeling of a rug pulled out from under. I could convince myself “nothingness” is really okay.

But,

I remind myself that that was also the past feeling of trying to do anything that wasn’t “allowed” – an energy suck that kept me safe from doing much to get me in trouble. It was tinged with a pain, though.

This seems different (different is good, we say, in SE land…).

I wonder if it’s like another layer of self-protection…not even knowing what to do with the freedom, then feeling lost, time drained by a million distractions.

Don’t know how many times it will be going back to basics, just simply making space to be, each day…

to eat

to move

to do some work

to be interested in what’s moving outdoors, or inside me

and connect to that for a minute or awhile

to make a plan

to fail to get the plan done just right

and just return to the simplicity of

my aliveness

life in my backyard

and easy gratitude

without needing to be anything more

then doing it all again tomorrow.

It takes a lot of practice to be convinced that it’s all right to just be here. Maybe that’s all I’m supposed to do, practice that. I don’t know what’s next. I’ll let you know.