It’s quite a thing to try to relearn a whole way of being. To change from walking always focused outward, in anticipation of pain, and then intensely focused inward, reeling from every injury.
It’s hard to change the patterns developed from being repeatedly abandoned in distress as a baby, as a child.
It’s hard to change the pattern of despair and pessimism when you haven’t had support to do hard things or fail.
It’s slow hard work. It seems almost impossible to change them when you don’t even know you were supposed to have support for hard things, hard feelings, hard days, mistakes.
If you’re lucky you find someone, or a bunch of someones, who do a good enough job of standing in for the good mother/father, and you get a taste.
At some point, you realize you need to be one, a very good caretaker, inside, to yourself, to make up for all of the lost time and love. The caretaker who wants nothing in return, only delights in your growth.
A caretaker who sees through you, and loves you no matter what. Who never gives up and always gives you the space you need, and keeps trying even when they get it wrong.
An internal guardian who validates your experience, doesn’t take any crap from critical parts or energy leeches, internal or external. Not explosively, but firmly, and without hesitation. Again and again.
Then, pretty soon, you find yourself wondering what might really be possible with all this support.
You might find yourself wondering what it’s like to run.