My capacity continues to grow. When I use the word “capacity”, I’m referring to the ability to handle whatever arises, the capacity for embodiment and full enagement in my experiences, self-regulation, or the nervous system capability to handle charge or energy responses elicited by life, whether positive or negative emotion is attached. I continue to notice it in new and specific ways:
- A sense of being supported by ground, or by the earth. It’s quite literally a feeling of being held, soothed, supported, calmed – just by the thought or idea of literal ground, and also a feeling of support or comfort just in feeling the chair or the solidity of ground underfoot. It’s the feeling of knowing I can rely on it, no matter what, that it’s always there.
- Continuing increased sensitivity to touch. I think this cannot be adequately described if you’ve never experienced it. There’s something pleasurable or satisfying about touch now, even my own touch – clasped hands, for example – where I can feel it in a way that I couldn’t before. I can feel the size of my fingers, the bones in my hands, the warmth, the aliveness the cushion in the palms and pads of my fingers.
- Sex. More interested, more pleasurable, more present during, new access to sensation…actually kind of great!..see previous item in this list.
- Increasing ease of connection. More able to feel easy connections with others and ride out temporary disturbances in feeling of connection. Feeling more a part of things, and seek out my “tribe” of likeminded people and nurture ongoing connection there. Less panic or fear or whatever that discomfort is after being relaxed with others, giving a speech or performance, or sharing my feelings.
- Increased awareness of tension patterns. I’m really aware lately, perhaps at a new level, of the patterns of tension, especially holding in the gut. I’ll notice it, check to see what else is “going on” at the moment, and consciously release the tension in the abdominal area. It’s an awareness practice if ever there was one. I highly recommend it. Seems like all manner of problems below the waist can originate from tension patterns there, based on my research and work with myself and clients.
- Increased freedom of action to shape my environment. Making my home and work spaces more comfortable, organized, and pleasing for me to be in.
- Increased ability to be with and recognize fear, and other uncomfortable emotions, and stay with them as they move through and OUT. (Since first beginning to compose this post, I would have to say I now am even curious, interested, or EXCITED about exploring intense negative emotion to see what is there to uncover or process. I know – sounds utterly ridiculous! I couldn’t make this up if I tried, and never expected it to happen.)
- Increased access to subtle sensation, ability to sense it, and to track it as it moves through. Example: The other day in practice with peers I tracked the anticipation sensation and urge to reposition a vase so I could see the pattern better. I could feel the motion my arm and hand and wrist wanted to make, and the feeling of holding/anticipatory tension in gut and chest of just imagining the view of the vase after turning it. And I never even touched the vase!
- Increased motivation and ease for maintaining my body. Becoming aware of and bringing my body into a state of ease before eating, tailoring my frequency and intensity of exercise to my body’s needs, adjusting activity levels (work, people time, busyness) to my current capacity.
- Wanting and having more play. Increased interest in play, and in making more things playful that I wouldn’t normally have in the past.
The journey continues, and I’ll continue to update you.
Contact me if you’d like to know more about anything I’ve presented in this series of posts, or have questions about meditation, mindfulness, or Somatic Experiencing.