In the interest of full disclosure, I want share that, like many, many times before, I am experiencing the contraction that predictably follows every expansion. It includes the following;
- Doubting I had an expansion at all
- Wondering if something is wrong with me or I am going backwards
- Loss of interest in things that previously motivated me
- Questioning the reasons for my work, relationships, preferences, beliefs
- Disillusionment with yet another layer, formerly unseen at this depth, emerging
- Wondering what will become of me if the state persists or I am unable to resume previous egoic identifications
- A vague sense of some transformation afoot, with a backdrop of listlessness, groundlessness, and emptiness
- Seeing even more deeply the ways I have suppressed my self to get along, make peace, or spiritually bypass
- Weird depression-ish feelings in trying to continue to suppress or be inauthentic
- Feeling pissed off and not sure why
- Having no idea where it’s going next
It would be easy to write it off as winter blues, or political fatigue, or approaching milestone birthday, but I know better. I’ve been here too many times before. I am motivated to share by my friend Elena’s recent post about awakening. Those experiences are life changing, but there is a ton of dishonesty perpetrated in writing and speaking about it as the end of the experience.
It is the end of a certain kind of seeking, the ability to completely buy into any beliefs, but it doesn’t fix the human conditioning. Some degree may drop away, but what remains will likely become more clear and painful over time, dropping away in layers and phases if one stays true to oneself and follows wherever the experience leads.
What I’ve come to recognize over time, for my clients and myself, is that the uncomfortable spaces between the expansions are absolutely necessary. They empty us out, preparing for what is next. We can never know what “next” will bring. We can only know that it is the only thing we can do if we want to become more truly who we are, more at ease in life, and avoid the sickness that comes from suppression.