On September 7, 2017, I wrote:
I didn’t practice the guitar yet today, or at all yesterday, or the day before, even though my goal is 1 hour per day. An hour isn’t enough time to practice everything I want to, so I respond by not doing it at all. And then another time I might spend hours online learning and practicing music theory…instead of actually playing anything.
My meditation was interrupted first by giant lawnmowers and air compressors in the neighborhood, and then again by the urgency of my recently acquired stomach issues.
Today I stared at clouds driving up High Street home for lunch, and the incredible darkness of the grays and whites contrasting with tiny bits of blue sky were mesmerizing and made me want to stop and stare, or capture it somehow, wondering how the many appearances of what is essentially just water, can be so captivating.
I picked up a new book I reserved from the library by an author of another book I own and have barely cracked and which both look fascinating. I have at least 12 other books currently in progress. Don’t ask me when or how I will be reading them.
I couldn’t resist the urge to flip on tv with my lunch, even when eating outside was possible and the earthing from barefoot on concrete makes it a real blast of restorative calm. I console myself by forwarding through and deleting most of the show (willpower!) and starting the new book.
I can’t seem to stick to a routine, the jetlag is killing me, and my sleep is still a mess even though I’ve been back from CA for a week, because I stayed up too late again last night even after taking the melatonin…Roger Federer being my excuse this time.
I am saddened by the swirling chaos and hatred spewing from everywhere, and terrified by the specter of imminence of nuclear devastation with which I seem to be confronted daily.
I want to move to a house with less highway noise, and fewer chemicals being sprayed everywhere, and the market seems ridiculously difficult, and I don’t want to wait, even though I don’t seem to have any time to get this one ready to sell, and I can’t find one that we can afford, either.
There’s so much that is depressing, and heavy and sad about life, particularly these days, it seems. There’s so much to do, and can’t do, and everything coming so fast, and grumpy Facebook people, and just add aging and diseases to the pile while we’re at it, and all the other regular ole transitions that human bein’s have to deal with on top of everything else. “What’s the point of it all?”, we might ask. I have clients who do. I ask it too, from time to time; and more frequently, lately.
Standard answers range from advice to just not think about those things, to lists of all the happy things in life that we’re supposed to appreciate: moments with family and friends, good health, flowers, pets, “beauty”. “So what?”, the depressed person retorts, “all of those things will die, everything eventually dies, even me, so why bother?”
The voice of “why bother?” could be called the voice of the ego. Not the ego of Freud, but the ego that is the energy movement with two basic patterns: Grasping, and Aversion.
And now, looking back, I still remember feeling the things in this story and wondering if there is ever anything more than this? Even knowing the movements of grasping and aversion, still wondering if that heaviness is a trauma thing, or a spiritual development thing, or is this really is just all it is, so I’d better get used to it? Maybe this is just life…
So, yeah, turns out that “maybe this is really it” was just another form of grasping – trying to figure it out and plan for the future. The 11 months of ongoing personal work, and meditation and life, since then, find me in a different place, and still shifting, with no idea where any of this is going or will land. At the moment though, it all seems much, much lighter, and just keeps getting clearer and lighter. Pain doesn’t disappear, but the experience of it is so much different…
- I am taking action on so many things, and juggling so many things in the process, and asking for help as I go – and wondering what made it seem so impossible before
- Meditation and trauma work keep taking me deeper into truth and increased resilience – the hard things don’t feel as hard, and I keep feeling shocked that this is really real
- Truth is more and more important – living it, telling it, helping others see it
- There is sadness, and discomfort and heaviness, but it is different now; I can’t fully buy into the story, so it’s not as heavy feeling, and I’m not working really hard to to convince myself out of it
- I really get how compassion is a way to live; it’s not just about “being nice” to yourself or others. It’s not an act, or just for people you like
- I have shocking new levels of ease being around others…shocking!
- I feel sad for people who are hooked, stuck, triggered, addicted, frozen; but I’m less often triggered into fixing, anxiety or fear states, or anger by them
- I really believe in the innate ability of all beings to heal! I didn’t come by it through mind – but now it’s a visceral knowing, as real as my big toe, or the nose on my face
- Priorities are pretty clear – what’s worth getting worked up about is pretty obvious if I stop and look (guess that’s what that whole neuroception = ‘accurate assessment of safety’ thing is about, heh heh)
- It’s so obvious to me now how living in survival mode makes more life experiences that generate more survival mode responses, repeat pattern, over and over…
- I’m not having to ask the “what’s it all for?” question…I’m just in it, this big messy thing called life, doing the best I can, and the only thing that makes sense is to do the best I can in this moment. That is enough. It’s not a mantra now. It really is enough.
I can’t wait to see what’s next!