I’m reminded by the current difficulty I find bubbling up in myself now, that I sure don’t want anyone to get the idea that I never have any rough times or that I or anyone somehow reaches a point where there are no more troubling emotions or reactions.
Though I’ve done an awful lot of my own trauma work, I still have days when I’m just exhausted and think about leaving my job behind and buying a farm, or hiding out and just writing for the rest of my life.
I still encounter periods when I feel down/low energy/unmotivated for no apparent reason.
I still have moments where I realize a loss at another level, and find I must take some time to grieve that new piece of realization.
I still frequently feel the overwhelm of too much to do, the loneliness of times with less connection, or the sting of jealousy or inadequacy.
I still have times when I wonder if I will ever really be done working on my trauma, and at the same time knowing that this journey will relentlessly continue revealing me to myself without regard for my preferences or questions.
I have to admit, though, it’s different to experience these things from where I sit now, as opposed to where I was just a few years ago. Now I can be curious to see what happens if I drop the story, and be with all the other parts of the the experience. Now I can hold the discomfort and challenge the urgency that says “I can’t stand it!” and “I want to do something about this NOW!”, while offering comfort and compassion for myself in the discomfort. Not trying to hide in meditation or satsang recordings.
I can journal about what I’m experiencing…and see where I’ve been a few pages ago for perspective. I can notice my shared human struggle with impermanence, and with the desire to “be something” and how it causes me to feel miserable, and the concept of non duality. I can be curious about the origins of this latest drama – “is it live, or is it Memorex” stirred up in my body from a time long past? I can sit and be curious about everything I’m witnessing…the struggle within, the struggle in the world…wanting to act and not knowing how…deep peace somehow somewhere underlying it all.
And so I keep fumbling forward in the grittiness of it all. Even in the midst of doubt, sadness, or pain, I keep taking in the irony of this sense of groundlessness simultaneous with the sensation of the solid ground of Mother Earth under my feet. And I call the newfound, not so pretty, ability to do all of this…power. Everyone has the seed of this power just waiting to be watered…with mindfulness, with trauma work, and with a little bit of grace.